FIND YOURSELF IN SILENCE

Once in a while I need some time for myself and sometimes it is not enough to go for a walk or read a book, paint a picture or whatever I like to do.

A wonderful way to reboot and to cleanse is to stay in silence for a few days. I don’t usually talk a lot when I am on a pilgrimage because I usually walk alone. But I’m still observing the things around you. A weekend in silence is a challenge in a different way. It is just me … .

We arrived at the monastry on a Friday afternoon in January. The trees still bare, the soul in the mood for an inner stop. I was excited because I had almost no information about this retreat and the people coming here. I was happy to hear each person had their own room. After we settled ourself a bit had some tea and fruit we introduced ourselves each other and got some further information about the program, times for the meals etc.

The program

Lying – Kin Hin – Za Zen	lying – walking – sitting
Za Zen – Kin Hin – Za Zen	sitting – walking – sitting
Dinner	Dinner
Za Zen …	sitting …

… and this for another two days.

I felt overwhelmed. Will I be able to do this?

And then …

SILENCE!

It is strange, very strange. But delightful. At first we are in a lying position. The thoughts in my head are really loud and turning around. After a while they quieten down and start to fade. Suddenly there is a sound from a singing bowl. Oops. I fell asleep. We change to walking now, slower and slower with our hands on our heart. I can let go now, become calm step by step. Feel my body, my feet touch the ground, lose the feeling for time.

After another half an hour we change to a sitting position. It seems to be easy. But the noise in my head starts up again … . I really have to concentrate on my breath. Suddenly another „gong“. Time is over. One and a half hours. Wow. Incredible.

After a little break for refreshments another cycle of an hour Za Zen – Kin Hin – Za Zen. The thoughts calm down but the body starts to itch here and there. A knee starts hurting, a foot becomes numb while we are sitting. Through the walking period the thoughts are taking my attention again. It feels like a battle. It’s a relief when time is over.

It is very strange to be in a big group like this without a word. Just by yourself. You cannot use the usual rituals for getting to know each other. You cannot even ask for the name. But you do not need it anyway. Also no small talk. That is great!

Having dinner in silence is a great experience. All your attention is on the meal and the eating process. It seems like everything is tasting better and has a fuller flavour. It is amazing. I love it.

A last Za Zen for the day in this wonderful room. It seems to become easier. But it is still difficult to find the balance between a noisy mind and falling asleep.

The next day

As in the Buddist tradition we get up very early to walk quickly for half an hour in the dark. Another hour of Meditation before breakfast. I still cannot imagine to do this for the whole weekend. Sometimes I really feel like giving up. Will this battle never stop? I have no talent for this at all … .

I really enjoy the time between the cycles being just alone with myself me, going for a walk, writing my journal, drawing … . There is no need to talk anymore. I love this silent way of communication with the other members of the group. The perception changes when there are no facts you know about the other person.

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At the end of the day there is a surprise: A musican playing a trumpet freestyle. We lie on our mats and listen to his melodies with closed eyes. It is amazing like a trip through different countries. The music infiltrates every cell of my body and increases the vibration in the room. I never heard music like this before. My perception changed totally. Everything seems to be clearer without any clouds.

Sunday, the last day of this experience. Getting up early again, walking … . We are starting with a massage to our feet. Our hands know exactly what our feet like. It is wonderful and relaxing. Suddenly I realize my toughts calmed down. All the pieces I arrived with fell into place, into a great big picture. Wow. I can let go. All the clutter is gone. Just vanished into nothing. It is a great feeling. Peaceful and free.